Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
