He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
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then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
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I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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