I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
