Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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