I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
