sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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