I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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