Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
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