Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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