I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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