I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
