11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
