my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
