Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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