I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
