Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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