The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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