as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
