are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
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They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
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Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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