Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
