I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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