forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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