some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
