The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
