Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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