Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
