When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
