in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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