The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
