i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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