Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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