it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
