Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
