its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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