it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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