I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
