she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he told me I talked like a deaf person
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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