i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
