Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
