Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
