Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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