I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
