I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
