those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
