chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
