Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
