well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
