just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
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Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
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I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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