I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
that's an acceptable place to lick
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he laminated a picture of his dick.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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