Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
