If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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