Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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