Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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