I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
