Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
