Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What a dumb baby whore.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
