I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
