u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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