he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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