when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
