it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
