ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
